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| Thursday, August 30th, 2007 | | 7:36 am |
Poetry (in Malay)..
28/08/2007 9:16pm Fikiranku kosong Telahku coba untuk berfikir namun gagal Perasaanku berkecamuk Telahku coba menyusun namun gagal Apa ertinya semua ini? Mengapa terjadi lagi? Kenapa diriku lagi? Senyuman ku lemparkan pada teman-teman Kata-kata ku susun agar tak terselit kesedihan Hidupku bagai satu cerita dongeng Diriku bagai watak yang terlalu palsu Sehingga kepalsuan itu menjadi satu bayangan Aku sadar akan hakikat ini Dan aku akur Namun aku tetap mencoba untuk berubah Aku tetap mahu untuk mengubah Dan aku tetap akan berubah Persoalannya cuma, setakat mana dan sampai bila Teringat akan masa lapau Teringat akan kelakuan lalu Teringat akan kesalahan dulu Aku kecewa dengan diriku Tapi aku tetap pasrah dengan qada dan qadarNya Dan aku akur ======================================== ================================ Just something I wrote last night. Jiwang ku kemarin yo! Current Mood:  hungry | | Wednesday, August 29th, 2007 | | 7:58 am |
Just That One Time Okay..
There are two things that happened yesterday. Now firstly, I almost got locked up in the Library. Hehehehe… Luan jua nda kn sadar tu lampung kana tutup ah. Hahaha…I was in the curriculum section and had my back to the windows, so I wasn’t exactly aware what was going on outside. Baik jua security atu menyubuk aku. Mun nda sleepover in the library tah ku tu..And thenext day (which is today) I’d be frozen like raw meat. Ew~ Okay, then I went out, it was about 5 to 7pm, and was standing top the stairs looking around, and it was beautiful. If only I brought the camera with me. The second thing happened a few minutes after. I was walking along the bridge to Tibathia. Oops! Sorry, FOS. I was heading to FOS ’cause my car was parked there. So there I was. Lalalalala~ It was kinda creepy ’cause nobody was walking around.. And when I was feeling around for my car key, there was no buldge! The key is chubby and definitely not cute, so where was it?! Argh!! Cigarette in hand, I had a panic attack for a few seconds when I searched inside my bag. Still no ugly little black key. Then I stopped, looked to my car and started to think about the morning dreadfully. I parked. I sat. Listened to radio. Switched it off. Went out and door closed. I don’t remember taking the key out. So I walked. Slowly to the sole lonely car in the lot. There were several cars in the staff parking lot, guess people are still working. I looked on to the blue hatchback. The driver’s window had a yellow post-it, but nothing was written. Weird. I pulled it, looked in. Everything was normal. Opened the door and the key was still in the ignition!!!! OMG! Alhamdulillah~ I was afraid that somebody would rip the car or something. But thank God nothing was missing. *fuh! Then I drove home, quite slowly, taking in the serene night. And had a fitful sleep. (-–,)v Current Mood:  cheerful | | Wednesday, August 1st, 2007 | | 9:25 am |
Tobacco Order 2007
I've been waiting for God knows how long for these kinds of acts to kick into the system. I have written about this years ago in HYS, and I'm glad that things are looking up. I know I am contradicting myself when I say I have strong faith in it's effectiveness, but at the same time I am a little bit sceptical at how these regulations stated are enforced towards the public. Are the police going to handle it? Or the customs? What about the selling of the cigarettes to under-aged minors? Are the vendors told they're supposed to ask for identity cards? Below is an excerpt from todays BB and/or Brudirect: By consent of His Majesty the Sultan and Yang DiPertuan, the Order prohibits advertisements relating to smoking, to prohibit retailers from selling tobacco products to minors below the age of 18. It also prohibits smoking in specified public places and specified vehicles whereby an offence carries a fine (not exceeding $1,000). The Order also requires managers or operators to display appropriate and adequate notices in their premises, which states that smoking is prohibited by law. The vague statements continue as: Provisions under Part II also include the prohibition on sales promotion, prohibition of sponsorship and supply tobacco products to persons below the age of 18, the control of smoking or chewing any tobacco product in a public place, or buying or having in their possession any tobacco product by persons below age 18. As I continued to read the little long article that they've printed, my brows automatically knitted with the un-detailed specifics that Azlan Othman (writer) offers to me as a reader. Or did he himself didn't get as much out of the Order? I read it through and through to figure out the article. Are they saying at certain public places? Or does it encompass every public place in the country? Which could be the parks, beaches, restaurants and etcetera. Also: Dr Hjh Kalsom said the provision of the Order aims at protecting the people from the negative effects of smoking. The use of tobacco in all forms and equivalent causes addiction and affects health. The World Health Organisation estimated that around live million people die annually of cigarette smoking. Evidence has shown that tobacco harms all organs in the body. 85-90 per cent of lung cancer patients are cigarette smokers and it could lead to other cancers such as cervical and kidney. It also causes respiratory diseases such as emphysema, bronchitis and asthma. Other risks relating to the use of tobacco are mouth and larynx cancer, as well as heart disease, cardiovascular disease, infertility. It also contributes to the economic cost where chronic diseases caused by the use of tobacco involve a high cost of treatment. It is hoped that with the Order, the use of tobacco in the sultanate could he reduced to ascertain a better quality of life. I like it when they state the effects of smoking does to one's health. But its not grimm enough to scare off today's youngsters. They did not mention the intention to increase the price of cigarettes. I've pulled some acts from the Ministry of Health's website at http://www.moh.gov.bn/highlights/antitobacco2006.htm. They're in Malay so I translated them as best as I could to not change the meaning of the sentences. Here are the details: What is the Tobacco Order? The Tobacco Order 'yang diwartakan', is an order that consists of: * A prohibition of advertisements related to smoking. * The regulation and control of tobacco products. * The regulation of selling, promoting, packaging and labelling of tobacco products. * The prohibition of smoking at certain places and vehicles. In Brunei Darussalam The main cause of death related to smoking is coronary diseases, cancer, stroke and diseases linked to respiratory problems and asthma. In 2001 a survey conducted found that: * 17.5% of the population are smokers as early as 15 years old. * There are about 40,000 smokers in NBD in which the biggest group of smokers are between 20-34 years old. * About 50% of smokers are male and 30% are female in the same age group mentioned above. The order goes on to mention that there are laws to protect and/or prohibit vendors from selling/supplying any tobacco product to minors.It also included: Places where smoking is prohibited: * All buildings used for commercial, industrial or recreational means. * Where the public are usually queuing up like ATMs, bus stations, counters, etcetera. * Public and private premises. * Public transportation like buses and taxis. Mind you that these Order was written down for 2005, and it took us another two years to get it going. Now that I've found that little detail, I now know where the Order really takes place. Which is practically anywhere and everywhere in the country. But I wonder if the general population will adhere to the Order, in particular the heavy smokers who can't stop fidgeting and moving unless they're holding a burning butt. (--,)v Current Mood:  freezing | | Monday, July 23rd, 2007 | | 11:48 am |
What's Going On..
Just watched Oprah's show which featured Al-Gore last night on the Hallmark channel, I have yet to buy the dvd-9 version of Al-Gore's slide show. And it was both refreshing and horrifying. I'm glad someone in this world does something to make almost everyone realise about global warming. It makes me angry that some scientists do not want to acknowledge the happenings of global warming and its effects. It's not fair if society lay the responsibility to 'Go Green' and spread the word on Geography students, teachers and enthusiasts. It seems to me that the Government is well aware what the rise of sea-level can do to the Brunei coastline, let alone the apparent danger of mini-typhoons and heavy torrential rainfall can do to Brunei. I wonder if there are teachers who purchase the dvd and show it in their class for a little discussion with the students. *huh...* In the last few days that I have logged on, many thoughts have come to mind but now I have misplaced them all in the maze that is my brain. Oo.. One of the ICT staff just walked in dragging a palm tree leaf with her. Hehehe.. I'm less miserable nowadays.. But one of my girlfriends' aren't so. She had to break up with her boyfriend, for some good reason.. But no matter what and how you feel about the opposite sex that you take as your partner, breakups aren't as easy and simple as it may seem. I knew I needed a distraction to take my mind off HER, and it worked. But there are times where I'd think about her again, when I'm driving, standing in the rain, watching a movie.. Then again when I need to be thinking about someone not him or her, I'd be checking out the chicks with either my lil sister or Hippo.. It's lighter that way, I don't have to think about heart-braking drama and trauma all over again.. Anyway, there's a girl sitting in front of me, of course with her laptop switched on, I think she's researching something about AIDS, because she's has this article she wrote on with that title, and I think she's gonna do it in Japanese.. Huh.. There's a thick box edition of 'Furigana' Jap-Eng dictionary with her.. She's so intent and serious.. Tee-hee.. Why am I blogging about her.. Hahahahaha.... I'm at UBD by the way, and there's something going on at the Chancellor's Hall 'cause the parking lots are full of cars. Yep, she's translating it to Japanese.. Oh! How I envy multi-language speakers.. All I know is a couple of words from my French beginners class that I quite mid-way, some Mandarin from Form 5 and what I remember I picked up from tv.. Heheh.. I'm not hot on Indonesian movies, or the Malay ones for that fact, but there's an Indonesian movie that I'm waiting to come out 'Tiga Hari Untuk Selamanya', which to me is the 'Malas Bercinta' movie.. I like to annoy my sister with that.. Nicholas Saputra and the chick from 'Tentang Dia'.. I'm waiting to see her, not him.. Hahahaha.. I miss my syg.. (--,)v Current Mood: high | | Monday, July 2nd, 2007 | | 1:17 pm |
On Smoking..
A had a chat with a close friend a week ago via MSN.. The reason being she told me she had a cigarette with a fellow friend of hers. Me being me got a little upset and angry with that. First off, I don't want my friends to pick up that habit because of all sorts of reasons, personal and health-wise. Though I myself still smoke nowadays.. I mean she said it herself "I don't get it why you guys like to smoke 'cause all I taste is smoke!".. Now where's the irony in that little sentence? Hehehe.. Sure it's only smoke if you see only that, but then when you feel the pressure difference you'll know. But I'm not trying to talk anyone into puffing one, it's the contrary especially with the new Tobacco Act recently put up, or down, whichever it is. *heh* But I doubt it'll have any visible difference though. But it'll be a really different story if we did the same as Singapore or the UK for that matter. Sales would be skyrocketing into a loss.. Lots of people would be glad to not be passive smokers.. The number of young smokers would reduce significantly, especially if there's a little sub-section in the Act that says 'Thou shall show thou ID card when purchasing cigarettes'. Right? Then she went on asking me "How can you guys be addicted to that stuff?" and "What's so tasteful about it that you guys like it so much?".. Now that I got a little dumbstruck, 'cause truthfully I can't answer for all them smokers there is, cigarette or pipe. I mean I smoke for different reasons than the typical smoker, and I keep my number on check so I don't really kill myself for good. For me I only smoke if I am: * Stressed / depressed * A nervous wreck for days * Totally spaz out 'cause I ain't got anything to do And I have several conditions that limits my possibility to smoke, though I do break them once in an eon. Like no cigarettes: * Before 12pm (give me my vitamins&minerals!) * After my night shower (wanna smell good) * When I'm around friends, be it smokers or not * In the car (they stink) Since I took Biology for 4 years, and thank God for that, I know what cigarettes can do to the body cells, in the short term and long shot. Like right after smoking, there's an excess of phlegm or dahak in Malay, caused by an increase in the white blood cell trying to attack these toxins that we take in. And there's a high risk of miscarriage during pregnancy or low sperm count for the guys. So this equals to a low possibility of the inheritance of a good gene to the young ones. I have made informal observations that smokers tend to have an extremely hyper child who then they deem troublesome and then would grow up into a smoker himself, because that's the environment that he was brought up in. And that the male population has a high percentage of being addicted smokers than the female ones. Now this may be because of the social expectations and pressure that we might face. But it has come to my attention that no body condemns the Grannies that smoke a pack a day, but they howl in spite when we took a single puff. Now how strict and stupid can society be? True, some of the only smoke sigup daun once in a while but they still ask us to buy them those packs.. *sigh* So here, I don't like to smoke actually. Like the larger masses I dislike smokers too. And I'd truly support a smoke free facility or building or area. We don't have to tell everyone that we with the 'in-crowd'.. That was so ages ago dudes.. (--,)v Current Mood:  giggly | | Tuesday, June 26th, 2007 | | 5:31 pm |
All Mixed Up Inside..
Guess this is another pointless blog to say what I'm feeling at the moment. Yeah, I'm all mixed up inside, like a chicken pasta salad.. I'm happy.. I'm missing some people.. I'm hating someone.. I wanna feel what I felt a few years back.. I wanna get what I feel out to that person, and tell 'em everything's going to be alright and better than before. I whisper what I held back, tell 'em what I should've at those moments, and make what we had a wonderful thing to have. I wanna be who I am, no reservations. Attachments and commitments all around. I guess it happens, when you're brain matures, you feel things more strongly than before. Be it a perspective, a relationship, a statement, you have to put it across clearly so that others know that you have a valid point. A voice worth to be heard off. A thought worth asking for. Its these things that makes me feel all stress-out and shaky. I don't want my caffeine fix right now, I've had it earlier. I don't wanna smoke, I had one yesterday. I know what I need at this moment, but I also know that I can't have it. Not from anyone. Not for a while. There are a few people that can make me feel at ease, at peace with myself, but somehow we all go to different ways and make ourselves unavailable for some reasons. I guess that's how friendships end, you just don't see each other enough to stay connected. And then one day you just lost it all together. And when someone ask how they are you just shrug and say 'I don't know'. And then you wonder how they are, what've they been doing all this times. What's going on and what has happened with them. Then you open your contact's list and search for their name, and you can't find it. It's gone. Deleted. And you curse yourself for erasing their name. In that moment you really wish you'd bump into them, for old times' sake. But then the day just ends, and you found no one. All alone again. Still. They say time makes the wound heal.. But they didn't say that memories makes it bleed all over again. *tsk tsk tsk* How can we ever grow from it when it turns into a scab? I guess that's when therapists' are needed. Come to think of it, I need one. Maybe a psychologist too. See how 'fine' I am. But on the other hand, what you feel is what you project to the people around you. It's the 'Law of Attraction'. I've learned about it long ago, and it seems to have worked. I've also learned that optimists are as right as the pessimists. I've learned the importance of goal-making. It makes you to stay focus on what really mattered. *straying away* I've realised I've changed in some ways, but didn't in a few. I've been cheated on and honest with to get things to work. I've compromised to make things okay again. But it all adds up to temporary happiness. Maybe I won't get the happiness that I want. Not here. Not in this lifetime. I've been called an egoist a long time ago, because I was being me. To me I won't say any statements or remarks that would be so important for them to hold onto, unless I am sure of it. So many times I've denied my feelings. I didn't say what I feel, when I felt it. I made the one I love insecure. I pushed them away just by being emotionally unavailable and evasive. When I finally see what I have and what I really want, it was too late. They moved on. I'm still here, dragging my feet down memory lane. I'm not one for trouble. I'm not one for fighting. I rely heavily on fate, I believe in the good things to come, even in an aftermath of loss. I don't fight for what's mine. I don't fight for what I want. Though once in a while I tried to fight it. Sometimes it pulls through, sometimes it doesn't. Either way I accept what is done. Even if it breaks my heart and throbs my head. I accept it without question, without protest. I walk away aimlessly, with nothing to pursue, nothing to hold onto, and nothing to bring with me. There were a few times where I lost sight of me. There were times when I'd be surrounded by a thick fog. I couldn't see more then a few feet in front of me. I'd try to get out from it, to get back to the ones that care for me, to the reality that I should be in. I've contemplated suicide during those agonisingly long months. But decided against it since our religion are against self-mutilation. So here I am. Living on borrowed time. Living a life that I wished were different. Living on conditions that I am not able to control. I hold my head leveled to the one thing I hold onto: my belief. And many times it saved me. Many times I'll see things differently. Many times I'd have to fight to survive. At the end of the day I'd look into the darkness and wished upon the Moon for things to be different, for things to be better, not just for me, but for the ones that I care about. I don't want to wear a mask anymore. I don't want to put up a wall anymore. I want to bare all. I want people to know the real me for me. But somehow I still can't. I'd look at them and cover up. I'd look at them and be defensive. It hurts. I gave up so many times I lost count. But no matter how many times I fell, I'd pick myself up and do it all over again. I want to change a lot of things, but I can't do it alone. There's a hollow in me that is ever growing, and I can't stop it. I'd deny myself the happiness that is given to me. And I'd bitch slap myself mentally. Cursing myself for pulling away when I want to get in deep. I'd have headaches. I'd have chest-constrictions. I'd have panic attacks. But it's all the same. It's all the same. *sigh* (-_-)* Current Mood: lonely | | Saturday, June 23rd, 2007 | | 3:51 pm |
Smiles All Around..
I got this from Sex: Choice & Information.. Whom in-turn got it from one of my favourite tv shows of all time, House MD. “Sex…could kill you. Do you know what the human body goes through when you have sex? Pupils dilate, arteries constrict, core temperature rises, heart races, blood pressure skyrockets, respiration becomes rapid and shallow, the brain fires bursts of electrical impulses from nowhere to nowhere and secretions spit out of every gland, and the muscles tense and spasm like you’re lifting three times your body weight. It’s violent. It’s ugly. And it’s messy. And if God hadn’t made it unbelievably fun…the human race would have died out eons ago. [pause] Men are lucky they can only have one orgasm. You know that women can have an hour-long orgasm?” (Source: Allison Cameron(House) on Wikipedia. Spoken like a real pro. That's one of the reason why I love the way, another good reason is because of the hefty sarcasm that they provide me with. Hahahahahaha!!! Anyway, it's been a pretty good Saturday for me. Went 'balik kampung' around midday with my lil' bro, I kinda missed the air there.. Went to see my aunts and uncles.. My cousins.. Nieces and nephews.. Fortunately one of my cousin who've been in Auckland these past couple of years was home, so we went to see her. She's such a strong woman. I kinda envy her for her strength and all the experience that she has over the years. Since I was a young teen I kinda made her my inspiration of sorts, as a role model to see life as half full.. She'll be spending another year and a half there to finish her degree then she'll be back home, as with my two cousins who're in Canada and the UK respectively. She invited us to go there and see what it's like to live in the city with her. And I want to , maybe next year or the next. Insyallah, God willing then I'll be there. I just got off the phone with a friend, and he's such a light spirit. He fills his life with a contagious laughter that even I laugh more than per usual. And I've only known him for what..a week? Hahahaha!! Fast one this is.. But lets not get ahead of ourselves for now. Don't want it to be like the last one.. But I doubt it. He's different.. Since I know him from Niza, and I know her more now, I kinda trust him more than I usually give credit for. He's off to the sea's tomorrow, which kinda made me feel at ease cause I feel like this is kinda fast.. I know, I'm lame.. Hahahaha!! Anyway, thanks Niz, for multiple reasons.. Hehehehe... Tomorrow's gonna be a different story for me, the family. A bunch of people are coming over and hopefully it'll go down alright. We're supposed to be the hosts, but me myself and I know so little of it. I guess I'll just go with the flow..So.. Yeah allowance's out next week I'll be out and about.. (--,)v Current Mood: happy | | Saturday, June 16th, 2007 | | 10:58 am |
A Friend..
It has come to my attention that some things are not better left unsaid, sooner or later it will lead to an unprecedented outcome which in effect cause a bitter situation to get into. Though I am in no position to judge other people, nor do I want to be a bigoted idealist, some people are just pushing me to my limits. Ironically a handful of them are what I call 'friends'. I have realised years ago when my brain got to a certain level of maturity and logic, that many of us are in fact 'imperfect' or lacking in certain ways of our being. Now I have learnt also that a great way to compensate that imperfection is to either, one learn to adapt what we lack, or second find someone else to help you with it, to fill in the so-called imperfections. While most people are 'bright' enough to see this and go their own ways to amend what they see lacking, others are just plain stubborn or simply ignorant. Sure, you like the way you are now. You don't want to change just for the sake of being accepted. Or to blend into a certain group of people. You like being in your own little cocoon and let life just pass you by whilst you're in there getting ready to be a butterfly. But when?? Days? Weeks? Months? Years even? No one wants a sudden change of character. No one wants a sudden change of lifestyle. No one wants a sudden change of environment. But they do want a change in body mass index. They do want a change in their money earned. They do want a change in lifestyle. But that is all gradual.. Unless they win a jackpot (which is so very rare here). So, me blogging now is not to put down anyone. Not to encourage anyone. Just to say my piece in a thing that I have just recently read. And it annoys me a tiny winy bit. Just a little but enough to make me wanna scream. This is me as I see it:Here I will highlight a little or a few of my own imperfections. Some may see it, some don't. Like they famous saying goes; 'beauty is in the eyes of the beholder'. moody, smiley, fake, sincere, supportive, emotional-less (go figure), sympathetic, quiet, calm, cool, agreeable, avoids conflicts (scaredycat), humourless, honest, etcetera. Now if I go on, it'll not be good, that it'll border on snobby and egoistic. As you can see there are so many faults as much as good that I possess. That's a result of up-bringing and social interactions over the years. So the following are just what I need, just to compare and contrast. I don't want a perfect friend. I WANT A PERFECT CIRCLE OF FRIENDS. I don't want a talkative friend. I WANT LIVELY FRIENDS. I don't want a pretty friend. I WANT BEAUTIFUL FRIENDS. I don't want a perfect house. I WANT A COMFORTABLE HOUSE. All in all, all I want is just something to make me live life and make a difference in someone else's. Someone in my clique at UBD wrote something about me and my friends ignoring her because she's not perfect. Because she's not talkative enough. Because she's not smiling enough. Because she's simply not perfect. That's how she wrote it. It just annoys me because she's saying everyone else in the group is. Which is not true. You see, I am not perfect. My friends are not perfect. We are simply not perfect in many ways. But that doesn't mean we'll ignore others who are different from any of us. That's so cliche. As I see it, me and my friends clique and are in a group because we complete each other. Because we see our own imperfections and try to find it in someone else, so that when people see one of us, they see all of us. Everything that defines us are who we are and who we try to be. Not as who we were. I do admit that I personally ignore and most of the times, try to not acknowledge the presence of this one being in our programme. JUst simply because she is not who she was when we met her, but someone who she knows we don't like a while ago. Yes I'm talking about Hippo. Yes, she has changed alot. And what I see is far from what I imagine she would be. She's a lot nicer and kind. And open now. A lot like me, but different in so many ways that I 'hate' her back as much as I love her.. But she's more talkative as in the way-overly active type. NGahahahahaha!!! Anyway, back to the person, I'd describe her being closed-mouth as in not speaking a word more, kinda selfish, kinda ignorant, kinda greedy. I know its a sin to pin-point other people's faults and all, but I don't like it when they say it's our fault that they're like that. Like it's our responsibility to get a word out of them. To get an idea out of their clogged brain. To make them contribute to a project so that they don't point a finger at you when your grades are a mess. Oooookay.. Apparently I have a problem in closing this one up. Since my reason for blogging is kinda 'tainted' and sinful. Oh God~ *sigh* Oh hey! Can you point out the difference between 'because of you' and 'for you'. I mean I can, but somehow some people are saying its the same. Like when I say 'I'm doing this because of you' and they get the idea of me doing it 'for' them. Huh! Bummer.. They can turn a sentece around and make you the guilty bit. Oh! what fun.. Current Mood:  annoyed | | Wednesday, May 30th, 2007 | | 11:51 pm |
Wanna Have Sex?
-READ THIS LINK- http://www.bruneisex-ed.blogspot.com/So, the big question now is 'IS OUR SOCIETY CONSCIOUS ENOUGH ABOUT SEX-ED???' I mean, sure we had Combined Science or Pure Sciences in our high school years.. But how much of that have stuck into our minds, really? Other than having the knowledge that a penis goes into the vagina. How much of the sexually transmitted diseases do we know off? How much of that was emphasised to us as a student? I myself don't remember much from that era, other than the evolution theory, reproduction and some stuff that connects biology and geography. I even remembered how my male biology teacher squirmed when we were on the topic of 'human reproduction'. It was a little funny though. Then again, how many of us really do give a damn about the stuff we learn at school? Half of us go there to socialise, some of us go there just for the sake of being somewhere that is not home, and just a few of us were really studying to achieve something worthwhile for their future. Now, please be reminded that I am not handling same-sex relationships and same-sex copulation. Because that is another issue. A big issue that is growing ever larger under our own noses. I can bore into the issue and this will be a long blog. But I have no intention of getting into it. So I will leave that at that. I am not going to go into it. Back to the issue at hand, WHY IS THE GENERATION NOWADAYS SO EAGER TO LOSE THEIR VIRGINITY AND FUCK AROUND??? And WHY ARE GUYS BEING IGNORANT ABOUT WEARING CONDOMS??!! Surely it's not that expensive nor is it hard to find. Even the 'kedai runcit' sale them. And who was that stupid asshole who came up with 'NO GLOVE IS LOVE?!!' What the fuck?!! Seriously.. can someone answer that? Doesn't being a MUSLIM living IN AN ISLAMIC COUNTRY have an effect anymore?? I thought 'ORANG BRUNEI ADA AWAR GALAT' with so many superstitions, that we're trying so hard to save face. What has gone wrong? Where have we gone wrong?? Have our culture neglected what our ancestors have fought to preserve for centuries?? Or have the new generation neglected our culture and settled for a 'new modern lifestyle'?? WHERE HAVE ALL THE RELIGIOUS STUDIES HAVE GONE?? What's the use of education, both religious and standard, have gone? Now, earlier I have vented about this issue seriously that I felt my blood went on a high. But then the servlet went kapooey so it wasn't saved and now I'm re-writing and re-phrasing what I have said. In a more subtle manner. I think. I'm trying. It occurs to me that our 'one-step-forward-&-two-steps-backward' society is unwilling to address the seriousness of this situation, considering its a taboo topic, and is somewhat reluctant to the idea of having a sex-ed programmes in high schools like what they do in other countries, in the UK for instance. Show them the effects of not wearing condoms. Show them what STDs do to them, to their life, to their family. Show them all the horrors of teenage pregnancy, of the dread of having a child and the consequences of a failed marriage, or whatever. Just find ways to make them not have irresponsible sexual intercourse at such a young age. The Form 2 girl from MS surely weren't told about it. She left school for what? A better life? A chance to get out of her family's grip? A way to stop studying? That's simply stupid. She had a great opportunity, being in one of the top notch school in Brunei, but just throw that away just because of sex. Just because of an irresponsible adult. Because of lust. In regards to the sex-ed programme, I am well aware about the fact that they still have a high rate of teenage pregnancy and abortion, but at least a high percentage of them guys are using condoms, effectively lowering the risk of spreading gonorrhea or syphilis, and females are using alternative contraceptive pills to prevent or lower the risk of being pregnant.Truly we have the minds and logic to weigh the pros and cons of sex-ed in Brunei. But can anyone see that?? So, if we take sex-ed and couple that with our religious belief that is clearly stated in the Quran, 'HUKUM ZINA ADALAH DOSA BESAR', won't we be able to reduce that rate? Why is it that more and more of the Islamic Bruneian community turning their backs from our own faith and embracing a more 'modern lifestyle' of free sex and drinking alcohol?? Even if they did not finish their 'sekolah ugama', where are the parents? Cousins? Friends even? Nda sembahyang kah? Why do they ignore the important fact that we live now to prepare for 'hari Qiamat'? Are they not at the slightest bit worried about the afterlife? Are they adopting the oh-I'llrepentformysinslater-then worry about the afterlife when they've reached middle age? Even the middle aged people are getting more and more perverted and immoral. Have you heard of the recent humiliation of a young female? Being raped numerous times by Malay people? Kedayan even? And they're old! For God's sake!! INDA MALU KAH?!! The rapists post that damn video on youtube, for what?!!! STUPID PEOPLE, INDA TAU MALU!! IATAHKAN JADI INDUNG ORANG TU. And may I remind you that I did not watch that damn video, my friend talked to me about it. And it made me sick. I am truly disappointed at how this matter is being handled by our authorities, our society, our culture. I am disappointed in rapists being let go by marrying their victims. I am disappointed at the rape victims not reporting them being raped to the police, just for the sake of 'menutup malu'. I am disappointed by the counteract reaction time and procedures that is taken by the authorities. I am disappointed at society at large. Even now, just typing about this issue gives me a boost of adrenaline, and I do not want it at the moment. My sister told me about a girl whose too stupid to hang onto an asshole, who fucked her and left her for another girl. He even called her up when they were having sex! How sick is that?!!! What's wrong with people nowadays? What's the use of fucking with jerks when you know they'll leave you after popping your cherry? What's the big issue about losing your virginity at a young age? What's the benefit of leaving school at a young age and go play mother-wife at home, knowing that the jerk who made you pregnant in the first place is fooling around with other women?? Seriously tell me where's the fun in that? What's the fucking point??!!!!! Sure being single is a bummer. I mean, I'm not liking it. Being alone most nights, not feeling the warmth of another being with you. Not being able to call that special someone to chat around and say sweet whispers, will take a toll in our emotional being. But losing respect from other people and getting listed in the 'corrupted' generation has no advantage nor does it hold any prizes. So, what the hell happened?? Aren't we a society of saving face? Aren't we a society of respectful people? Aren't we a society that holds onto our Islamic beliefs? Or did I missed the last bandwagon? Now, I know that some people might try to contradict and say 'hey! It's the foreigners' fault, or 'It's on tv man..where do you live? In a cave?'. Then brush it off with a lame stupid joke. So, some people might ask the question, 'What's my point?' And I'll say 'WHY DON'T THEY JUST WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM?'. Stop making a girl pregnant unless you've already married them. Stop giving in to guys who you know is taking advantage of you. And stop wasting your life. Just stop it. So, who will take the blame? Where would the fingers point to when something goes wrong in this world? The Government? For being 'subtle' in handling this issue? The authorities? For being 'effective in solving this issue? The Media? For giving a false impression about sex? Parents? For not talking about it? Teachers? For not discussing it openly? Siblings? For not talking to each other? Friends? For talking about it with each other? Globalisation? For making karma sutra available in a click of a mouse? History? For preserving the karma sutra? Ourselves? For giving into temptation? And what's your reason? ... I am tired of this. Of the what's happening around me. In this country of mine. But I can't do much but concentrate on my own family, and how they affect other people. My next step happens when I graduate, when I become a teacher myself. Then I'll make a difference. THAT IS A PROMISE. Current Mood: infuriated | | Wednesday, May 23rd, 2007 | | 1:15 pm |
Just A Few Things..
Okay, first thing's first. My dream guy, not so perfect. Turn out he's a gigolo. Hahahahahahaha!!!!! No lah.. But really, if he is, then it'd be much better. The reality is he's a gold-digger. Yeah, and men say women are money-sucking people. But they overlook their own kinds. Ha!! I'm over it. Ooo... Just saw a beautiful trailer of a new movie 'In Memory of Me'. That would make a good movie night vid. My eyes are getting blurry. Man.. I'm emotional at the moment. Ne-yo & Rihanna's song rocks my world. Hahahahaha!!! Emo eyh...I hate it when this happens.. Can't touch ciggies again.. Maybe next time.. later.. soon.. I don't know.. Urgh.. My eldest brother's being annoying lately. It's not that he's acting out. It's just that I'm hating him for not doing anything with his current situation. Which pisses me off further thus making me talk to him much lesser. I just hate confrontations.. Hippo had a dream about me.. She told me about it last few days.. In her dream was a real situation that may happen with or to me. Man... How I wish it would happen. But I won't run away. Not ever. Not from 'that' person. I'll be in the first heaven if everything works out. Hahahahahahaha!!! That's why they call it a dream. It's where everything we want, are perfect and heavenly. I don't know what t is to become of me in these later years. It's like I've been separating myself, between who I'm suppose to be and who I want to be. And I'm left here to cope with it. With life. With pressure. With love and lost. In two different ways. And I have to compromise with two ways of amending and recuperating what has been broken. For instance, if you ask me how my life is, I'd give you two different replies. One is 'It's okay' and another would be 'It sucks'. Then things will fall out, and I'll feel things that I've been pushing aside for the past for months, weeks, or days even. I hate being like this. I know I have issues with some things. I had closure with one of them, but it's my mind that keeps rewinding back to the incidents that I wished have played out differently. I don't know how to put a stop to it. I know that talking about it helps. I've talked about it with few of my close friends.. But it doesn't work that much. I need a shrink. Hahahahahaha... Gonna eat lunch. Current Mood: irritated | | Sunday, May 13th, 2007 | | 8:06 pm |
Just A Simple Act, Made Me Feel Loved..
I am so down today, I took my chosen drug to get the tension at ease. I haven't been on a high spirit as off yesterday. Because my P.E. paper sucked big time and I like P.E. that's why I couldn't bear to be in the Hall any longer and I will sure not get an A on the course. In fact I think I tumbled all over my five courses.. and I sure will be tomorrow too. Malay is the worst course that I've had in my four semesters at UBD. Damn this thing. I talked to my mom about it. About how I feel for all my papers, for tomorrow's sitting. She's my mom, she said a few words of motivation and it got my a little higher on the motivation level. *sigh* But that's that. I went up to my room to get a shower then the rain came. Although just showers, I went down and invited my little brother along. I just smiled at my mother and she knows what I was going to do without me even saying it. One of the many reasons why I love her. On our way out my brother ask me, what I was up to. Then I just said 'outside' then he got the hint. I thought he was going to get wet with me, but he just stood there under the garage staying dry. Talking to me about their garage sale earlier the day, about his exams tomorrow, and watched me skip in the rain like a little girl again. Then he got an umbrella and walked into the rain. We talked about the stars, when there was this one bright shiny star, out-shining the others, it reminded me of Kelis' song Little Star. I figured it was the star that've exploded. We talked about why and how the concrete is warmer during the night. And I feel like a little girl when I'm around him, like I'm young again. Just because he's way taller than me and that he has this look on his face. Oh! How fast do they grow.. I still remember peaking through the intensive care for babies when my mother gave birth to them twins, cleaning him up when he was a baby, feeding him, how cute and innocent he was, then wrestling with him on the bed, fighting for a spot on the mattress and cuddling on the floor to watch tv. It was such fun, but now just a notch down memory lane. I miss those moments. When I would just not think about the reality of the world, and be safe in a cocoon that is my family. But I didn't want to be a hypocrite. So I changed. I adapted. And I grow. As I am today. The rain stopped shortly after, the wind died. Then I heard him say 'abis..' and got the hint he wanted to get back inside. So we did. He said something on our way in, I couldn't hear him so I said 'You should stop mumbling you know'. 'Uhuh' was his reply. In the house I saw him grabbing a bowl in his hands, and I thought to myself that he was having dinner, but he left it so he's with me in the rain. How sweet...I love him more now. Its those simple acts and gestures that makes people know that they are still loved and cared for. And I have deprived myself from that sentiment for a while now. It warms me on the inside that my little brother does these things for me. His wife is going to be wonderfully lucky. When he has one in time. Now I'm gonna go back to the notes. And try not to sleep on it. I can feel me giving up on it. Now I know why liking the lecturer that teaches you matters, even in these higher level education. I think I'm not gonna get an average of B grades this semester, killing me. Just burst my bubble then. Can't wait for sushi tomorrow. (--,)v Current Mood:  distressed | | Monday, May 7th, 2007 | | 9:06 pm |
Be a Role Model.. We Need To..
Firstly I applaud and thank the UBD ICTC staff for making the course evaluation available and accessible on-line, so a couple thousand of undergraduates, in-service people would not make a long bee line there. Which is bothersome and quite chaotic during peak hours, where you get all the stares and hearing all sorts of voices and smelling those unsettling scents of all sorts. So,.. Since UBD is in the spirit of amending and evaluating their facilities and what not, may I suggest so strongly that the relevant authorities MAKE THE ANNUAL COURSE REGISTRATION ON-LINE too?? Because seriously, we are indirectly (or rather directly) practising a HUGE WASTAGE OF PAPER resources here people!! I mean, seriously, first the Green form then the Blue form and then the Yellow form??!!!! And the Yellow form is not even used at all!!!! So why bother?! Do you have any idea the thousands of sheets of papers we use just to get a couple of signatures?? The trees that were cut to make that quality paper?? We really need to revolutionise our ways in an effort to make way to the new edge of technology. I mean WHAT'S THE USE OF TEACHING & LEARNING HOW TO USE ICT WHEN WE'RE NOT PRACTISING IT??? Worldwide universities are registering courses on-line, so I don't get it why UBD isn't making use and following suit this thing that make the world a little simpler? The lecturers I asked are getting tired of it, because their doors are constantly knocked on for their signatures and what not. I know they work for the Gov't and most of them are expatriates, but Please be considerate to them. Another benefit of ditching the paper signing tradition is that we don't have to hunt down lecturers who suddenly went missing from around campus. They do have other important things to do. I'm sure you guys (clerks, staff, etc) have lots to do too, instead of staring into the computer screens for hours on end making sure you have the right person signed up for the right courses. I know that some people may not agree with me, though I may never be able to comprehend their mumbling the exact reasons, but please oh please don't make us go manhunting again next semester. PLEASE!!!! IT WOULD SAVE THE GOVERNMENT FROM PAYING THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS ON PAYING FOR THINGS THAT CAN BE CARRIED OUT EFFECTIVELY WITHOUT EVEN USING PAPERS!! It's hard living in a democratic world where you don't pay for the education and health, things don't get done easy, too many hurdles and censorship committees. *sigh* Oh! By the way, Cikah wanted me to mention that with her 'guidance' and with me liking to tease anyone when I'm in the mood.. (that last part lost me), with the power bestowed upon me by the powers that made me ME, declare that I am officially a certified FREAK. Ngahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Current Mood:  sleepy | | Sunday, May 6th, 2007 | | 8:09 pm |
Something Unsettling..
It's the final day of revision week and tomorrow is the start of our chaotic exam period. The stupid thing is I haven't prepared for it. For any of it. I have fooled around this semester and now I have to pay for it. All of my assignment grades are Bs and a C, which is a mood spoiler but it's okay considering I did miss a month of lecture so.. Anyway, the cause of this log is just to put down something that's been bothering me for months. And that something involves me making love to another woman. Which in my religion is a big no-no. But I just can't help it. Everyday it's the same thing. Everytime I day dream it's the same thing. Though my friends know I'm a bisexual, but I really don't want to go out with a woman. Because I know I can't stand the heartache and drama and all the jealousy that I know I'll feel. And this whole thing makes me wanna find a girlfriend. So I can treat her right and pamper her like a woman should be treated. I think there's something wrong in my head. It's like I have split personalities. One time I'm listening to my heart then at the last second I'd turn away with my head all cursing and stuff. It's soooo annoying! Though I'm glad and blessed to be living in this country and religion, but this feeling is like an itch I can't scratch and it's constantly there wanting attention of all sorts. Well, two of my friends finally hooked up last three weeks. I said finally because the two of them have been exerting this feeling of 'I want you but I can't because of it's not acceptable' kinda thing. It was killing me. It was killing them. But the friend proposed in a secluded Italian restaurant by the river, though not thoroughly romantic. They are together. And that's what matters. But our other friends are still suffocating as a result of it. They don't really like it when the other is around. BEcause this one will devote her attention to the other and thing's usually get annoying. We are grateful that we have a few months to get off of each others' arses. Now I'm trying to arrange a date with this guy that I've met a last December. He's okay. He has all the physical traits that I've been wishing a guy would have. I think he's hiding something. My friend says she's doubting him, because she saw his picture in an army camping expedition. So.. yeah. But I'm taking it slow and seems like he's in my boat so. Just maybe.. I just hate being lied to. I always say to my friends that if they have something to say about me, good or bad, just say it to my face and we all can have our peace. Anyhoo.. I have to jet off and try to get some revision done. Even if it means gazing through the pages. As long as I've laid my eyes on it. Wish my IQ was polished when I was little, could've made my life a little easier. Toodles. (--,)v Current Mood:  okay | | Thursday, April 26th, 2007 | | 8:35 pm |
Idol Gives Back & Other Ramblings..
Well, firstly though I love Ellen DeGeneres, but her clothes were not usually what she's wearing and it looked weird on her. Secondly, Kelly Clarkson looked a little chubbier than the last time I saw her on t.v. Has she gained weight? Huh.. I know Katherine McPhee is a little too thin. I needn't to comment on Kelly's singing cause she rocks my boat all the time. I shed tears when Josh Groban sang 'you raise me up' with the African Children's Choir. I mean really, forget about Westlife's version of it, who doesn't cry when it was only Josh singing the song? And now with the children singing all happy looking and smiling, they look sooo cute and vulnerable that its heart wrenching to be powerless right now. Finally, still liking Jordin Sparks as always. Wonder if I look good with curls like that. Hmmm..... I know that that particular show was to get donations and stuff, but didn't really enjoyed it that much cause of the clips of sufferings and what not. Plus I am was to distracted at the moment to even give my full attention to anything that's been going on these past few weeks. Though hectic and chaotic, these past few days have been quite intense for me, demanding new heights of adaptability and confidence and reliability from everyone and anyone. And that was how I felt earlier today, during our last English course lecture. It was intense. The room. The information. The energy. I was overwhelmed that I felt the need to get out. To vent out the excess energy off of me. But I couldn't. So I made a pack with Cikah for that particular period that if I talked toooo much for my own good, I want her to punch me. That's what she did. And I thank her for that. But still I was suffocated. I didn't know why. I still don't know why. I nearly cried in front of the girls when they wanted me to talk. But I didn't so I wouldn't, and I didn't. Really don't want to ruin anything right now. Fell in love with the 'honey flavoured chicken rice' not far from Jan's place. I fell victim to their bullying in the car while Niza was suffering at the back. I got back at Mizah at Jan's place but not Jan. I LOVE THE PART WHEN I CLOSED JAN'S TRUNK WITH MIZAH STILL IN IT! Hahahahaha!!! I really want to smoke right now.. *sigh* But I know I can't. So I won't. Not tonight. Maybe tomorrow. I seriously need to finish my work. I know I have good grades for my assignments, but its the exams that's bothering the shit outta me. So I'll just go to sleep now before I do anything stupid. Nytez. (--,)v Current Mood: sleepy | | Sunday, April 22nd, 2007 | | 9:39 am |
My Muse..
Good Morning everyone.. Hee.. I'm in a chipper mood today. Woke up in the right side side of bed. Hehehe.. I'm in my room right now, alone, listening to an awfully loud banging music, and I'm giddy. Maybe something's wrong in me head. Ha! Anyway since last night was Astronomy Day and I like to watch the night sky, me my lil sis and bro went to the capital to star gaze, which we didn't get to do though, because of the cloud cover. We arrived around 7-ish and went strolling to the area where the opening ceremony was just starting. Short and informative, I believe was their goal in introducing the club to the public. Anyway, after that, we decided to go for dinner at Ideal by the river so off we went. And went back to the event right away. There weren't much people though, guess everyone else was at Gadong and elsewhere. Hmmm.... They showed a few slides about the Universe, the Nebula, the Suns and other pictures of stars exploding into lightyears and so forth. And decided to cruise back home on the 'old route' to Tutong. Kinda relaxing, didn't really have to be annoyed of the bumpy and empty highway road. I think something was wrong with my brother yesterday. My eldest brother. The one that's being so weird as of late. And by weird, I mean eye brow-raising-kinda-weird. We were at the tv area after coming back from school. As always, he was always there. But at that particular period I was sensing something worth watching him for. Hahahahahaha!!!! Mmm.. I have always believed that my family is weird, freaks in our own littlest ways. But he was way weird for his own good. There was this one time that I guess he was bored, but who isn't when couped up in a house? Anyway.. He was always standing and walking around, in front off whoever, but it was always viewable. He was standing by the dvd/vcd rack, with his body facing to his right but looking at the assortments of the said subject. And he has moving his hand on the subject line after line after line, focusing trying to choose one. The thing that catch my attention was that he was making a particular sound, usually used to call our pet felines. 'ok kau kah?' was what came out of my mouth. Instantly grabing his attention and others in the room. I turned to my mother and said 'I think something is wrong with him' and laughed. He is always a good muse. What he exhibit yesterday was what he wasn't when he was in school. That I thank God for. In time people change, usually for the good. Back up, that little incident was a start to a series of weird things that he would be doing that day. Last night when watching the AF concert, we had a group of people over. My brother wanted something to eat but was kinda 'galat' to take it for himself and wanted our lil bro to get for him. When he didn't want, this brother remarked about something and did animated it a little with him limbs. I laughed and confirmed to him that something was definitely wrong with him, 'you so need to get out of this house'. And continued on with a few more seconds of laughing. Fast forward to this morning, me and my lil bro was watching tv when he showed up. I looked up at him and asked 'ok kau sudah?'. He smiled and blamed it on the caffeine. Heh. Sound familiar.... Didn't know brother knew my friends. Hahaha.. No lah.. My girlfriends are usually blaming the heart-beat inducing substance for any of their hyperactivity. Only one blames Mentos for her actions. Hahahaha.. Ironic.. I have a weird family and weird friends. Get that together and you have endless musings available. Got about five assignments left to do, finish and therefore get red off. So, enjoy your days everyone. Toodledo! (--,)v Current Mood: chipper | | Friday, April 13th, 2007 | | 9:34 am |
| | Tuesday, April 10th, 2007 | | 8:25 pm |
First Day BAck..
To put it simply, it was weird.. Like the first day of school all over again, but this time I was in the hay wire. For the first time to, my friends hug me. I was like 'okay, okay..' Hahahhaa!! It was way weird. But good. I miss them too. Words cannot even comprehend the extent of my emotions today. On the other hand I had to be careful though. Minding my tummy from getting into contact with potentially hurtful items. Finally chatted with Shamsul.. Oh how I missed talking to that guy.. What's funny was that he asked me, in a low and concerned tone something along the lines of 'buleh masih ko branak kan tu?'.. And I was like "Buleh eh! Twins lagi". We laughed our heads off, particularly when Arie joined in and touched something on reproduction. Hahahahahaha!!! No shy shy ah. I have also missed my science lecturer, Dr Sallimah. Somehow it's my science teachers that affects me in way or another, which is okay to me but weird. I'm a bio girl so... We hit the road at lunch time, getting KFC at Batu Satu then back to Gadong for McDonalds. Settled to the UBD gym and had lunch there. I was really holding myself back when Shamsul and Arie were kicking the football. I was like 'huhu~'. I tried helping them carry and set up the things but my girlfriends were like 'Eh!!! Jangan ko ambil tu!'.. or like 'Okay ko kan tu?'.. even.. 'Eh! Jangan kan cam setaie'.. Hahahaha! I thought being in campus would ease off the constraints, but they were like my mother, especially Mizah. Hahahaha!! Luv you too Hippo! (^-^)v Didn't drive though, my dad sent us. Deja vu. It's like the time when I had the accident last September. When I was at the hospital, I did a lot of reflecting. It has come to my attention that I have faced challenges lately. Not only me, my whole family too. It's really tough to survive nowadays. Anyhoo.. Assignment wise I have to buy a math book from the ETC tomorrow and finish a work by next week. See my FOTEL lecturer for a test a want to sit by Saturday or Monday afternoon. Plan a Primary 6 lesson for micro teaching on the 18th later on. Next week is my micro teaching session for Physical Education. Hope it goes well. I can't really raise my voice. I can't run, jump, skip, hop or do aerobics for another two to three weeks. By then we will face the semester exams, then the tension will fly away for at least another month or so. Our PE presentation / dance / drama went well today. Overall our lecturer said though every and each one of the groups met his criteria there were bits and pieces that didn't. But he was satisfied and we gave ourselves a big applause. "Sinderela" was really entertaining. The girls and Faisal could really hit it on the screen. Heh.. Go Hannie Yoga!!! And to stop now, cause I wanna close my eyes for a few.. Tomorrow I hope to see the one that have been avoiding me. Though the UBD campus is the least of all places to meet her. But fate is a funny thing. Toodles! (--,)v Current Mood: sleepy | | Sunday, March 18th, 2007 | | 8:25 pm |
I am Missing A Lot..
My disappearence from UBD is something that I do not want to be.. Never mind me missing my friends, I am missing my lecturers and their lectures.. I am missing their subtle tips for the examinations.. I am missing the moments when they smile when I greet them.. I miss having to glow in the corridors and hallways of SHBIE.. I miss teasing my friends.. I miss seeing them blush.. I miss seeing their blank faces.. I miss cheering them up.. I miss being carefree.. I miss being easygoing.. I miss everything that has to do with the way things were.. It is still a wonder how I got this condition that I had.. Though now I am free of it, but I still think it is no coincidence.. That it was a whole series of littlest things that had happened that have caused my body to respond in the way that it did.. Come to think of it, things might’ve started three years ago when I fell of the stairs. Steel stairs might I add. I got my back and hip all sore, my arm five times larger.. I looked like a mummy.. Staying at the hostel didn’t really helped either.. The drama was suffocating.. It’s like high school all over again only that time I lived amongst friends not family.. The doctor gave me painkillers if I happen to have the pain again.. And I did, months after the incident.. Then there was the car accident that I got into in September, three years ago.. I didn’t sustained any heavy injuries, its was just black and blue where the seatbelt was.. Again they gave my painkillers, paracetamol actually, but it was powerful.. Hehe.. I’d get high with just one of ‘em.. And now after the doctors gave me another kind of painkillers, to be taken only when I need it.. Is it natural to feel like the part where they cut you feels like ripping apart?? Cause I am feeling them, whenever I sit up properly, or when I’m lying down with my feet straight.. When I walk it’ll feel like my belly’s falling off.. My doctor’s haven’t been able to explain how my ovary got twisted.. Or why it was larger than it’s supposed to be.. When I first had my ultrasound I was told I had an ovarian cyst, when I had the second ultrasound they then told me I have my ovary all twisted and big.. I got this link, I had laporoscopy or something like that.. I’m thinking this is another condition not known worldwide.. http://www.4woman.gov/faq/ovarian_cysts.htmMy days are filled with me sitting on the bed or the sofa.. Watching t.v. or surfing the net reading fanfics or doing my assignments.. Which is really bullocks cause I can’t help my friends to finish our group works.. I’d be having grades that I didn’t work for.. My siblings aren’t really helping.. I can’t do anything.. I can’t go anywhere.. How am I suppose to finish it?!!! I am really pissed off right now.. I am currently reminded that te exams are in fifty days or so.. That’s less than two months for me to get my brain working and out of the gutter.. I’d be lucky if I get a grade C overall.. My hope of applying for the student exchange programme is slowly diminishing like ice crystals melting into the atmosphere.. My artistic way of articulating with words are fading too.. What good am I when I come out of UBD?? Anyway, I am biding farewell at this junction.. Hopefully things don’t really change when I get to go back to UBD next month.. (–,)v Current Mood:  restless | | Monday, March 12th, 2007 | | 11:16 pm |
You'd Never Guess.. You'd Be Surprised..
I'm at home now, feeling not so good. Trouble's brewing in the distant horizon. Can't really sit or breathe properly. Really baby-ied by my mother, and pampered by the siblings. Its okay but I feel like I'm just troubling them. Well, some of you might be wondering why I have not been available all week. Especially my boss, the ex-student council. Well boss, I give you my apologies. I was hospitalised during the semester break. For a very severe condition that I had. My left ovary just decided to grow extra large and twist upside down during the weekend. Hence I had a immensely agonising pain in my pelvic region. I didn't attend my Saturday lecture because of it. I went to the emergency room on Sunday morning, admitted into the ward in the afternoon. Had an ultrasound like I'm a pregnant woman and an x-ray like I'm a smoker, which I was though. WAS being the definitive word here. As from the day I had been cut up, I vowed to quit smoking and another thing that I had been doing. Hahahaha... New resolution a little to late, but hey, worth it. Monday morning started with another ultrasound, and this time they brought in a specialist to see me. They found a mass in my pelvic region. And off I go to RIPAS during midday. The ride in the pajero was painful too. The heavily pregnant lady beside me was holding her belly, as was I. It was not a trip I would want to repeat, not in the coming months. Arrived around 1pm there, they did some feely thingy in Ward 12. Then sent to ultrasound and radiology for x-ray again. Got delayed in the ultrasound section and then finally before 4pm I went back to the ward. Bibie was there with me as was Jojo for a bit. Bibie then pushed me in my glorified wheelchair to the ward where my fellow colleagues and darlings awaited for more than half an hour. Cian eh.. They then stayed with me for another hour or so. Then after they went home the pain aggravated dramatically. So I told my mom I wanted a shot. The doctor was worried, she called for an emergency operation. The nurses were warm and friendly despite being panicky. My parents went over to the nurses station to sign a few things and went over what was going to happen. By this time I was crying and in turn gave myself a headache. They finally prepared me for the operation. I changed clothes and bared everything. Getting the pain to stop was my priority. The nurse shot me with painkillers then strolled me to the operation theatre. The lights were making me dizzy. The nurses asked me a few questions just to make sure I was fully aware of the things that were going to happen. Then they reeled me into the OT. I was thinking something along the lines of 'now I know how they feel' and the 'white lights' incidents. The doctor gave me the oxygen mask and instructed me to breathe in and out deeply, while shooting me up with anaesthetic. The pain wasn't really painful, it was just 'padas'.. Then within two seconds I was out of my wind. First thing I remembered was my name being called. The nurses and doctor cooing me to wake up. It was hard. I tried to breathe but can't so they had to suck out something from my throat. I thank God I could breathe. But still I couldn't open my eyes. I heard them talking about my IC number, it was not right. So I signed with my right hand, since I can't speak. When I finally could see and speak again I asked the nurse if I could see the cyst that they had taken out. It was big, roughly the size of fist but a little bigger. The texture was sponge-like. I saw a little boy by the name of Muiz and his father a little to my left. But being short-sighted, I can't really see them. Then I was pushed out, I saw my parents, my cousins, and my aunts and uncles. But all I can do was smile and wave a little. One of my cousin, Abg Iyul, is a nurse so he helped out in transferring my body from one bed to another. I stayed awake for a few minutes then dosed off every now and then. They cleaned me the next morning. It was awkward but you won't hear me complaining. Hehehe.. The nurses were sweet. Daylight was always longs. Days break early, around 5.30am the nurses have started checking the patients. Then we'd get back to sleep. 7.30 was breakfast time. 8am was when the doctors would do the rounds. Then things kinda hang from there. Visits were usually heavy around mid afternoon. Anyway, spent the whole of my semester break in the hospital. Now I'm finally home. The doctor gave me four weeks of rest. I need to finish my assignments. And fast. I'm running out of time. I actually wanted to right about tonnes of things while I was there. But it's all engraved in my memory. Thanks to all my friends for visiting me, of course to my cousins, aunts and uncles. My nephews and nieces. And colleagues. It's late. Gonna sleep now. (--,)v Current Mood:  awake | | Friday, March 2nd, 2007 | | 5:12 pm |
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